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Good OPR phrases:
“My top major of 50.” Can’t beat the ol’ solid
grade with solid strat against big number.
“The top field grade officer at OSD.” Whoa. With a sig by Rummy himself.
“My number one choice to put out fires or start them where/when needed.” Good
one!!!!
“Makes Superman look like an underachiever.” Good one.
Bad OPR Stratification:
“Best XXX I’ve known in a XX year career.” This
phrase was SO overused that it now OFFICIALLY means nothing. I’d say about 40%
of the records had this somewhere. People must not get out as much as they used
to; hard to believe 40% of anything is the “best you’ve known in your career,”
eh?
“My top (anything other than a grade; intel officer, go-getter, action officer)
of anything less than 20 or so.” If you can’t put her in your top 20% of your
Major/Lt Col/Field grade officers go for one of those catchy top line phrases.
DON’T go with the “Best XXX I’ve known!”
“Best of the 1,300+ Captains I’ve known in my career.” Nice try on the big
number but who REALLY counts all the Capts they stumble into in the hallway? If
you do you should be asking if you have too much free time on your hands.
Make sure your grade and other strats sync and make SURE you don’t get into an
“OPR argument” between raters. It really hurts your creditability. Example: A
squadron commander with “1/17 O-5” from his Wing Commander but no mention of his
ranking as squadron CC. Does that make him your number two or twenty commander?
Does that mean your top commander is somehow not your best O-5??? Group CC in
same wing: “My 2 of 5 commanders.” The same Wing CC as above: “1/11 commanders.”
This not only tells me there is a split between the commander this guy works
with and his boss, but that this wing’s number one commander is somehow not
their top O-5. What up with that??
Wing CC: “Frontrunner Sq/CC of 11” . . . with no strat from Group CC. Again,
having a lil’ disagreement here, folks? Or was that Wing King pullin’ one of
them cheesy, official sounding stratifications and naming someone ELSE his
number one commander???? What IS a “Frontrunner” anyhow? Isn’t that a brand of
Japanese four wheel drive vehicle??
“My go-to guy.” This is right next to “Best XXX I’ve known” as most overused
phrase. Probably about 30% of OPRs had it there. “One of my top three go-to guys
in my directorate.” What DOES that mean????
“Absolutely in the top three of 28” or “In the top two of my 38 majors” Soooo .
. .reckon these guys are, like, three of 28 and two of 38 or what???
“Selected 1# of 723 to be assistant director of staff.” OK . . so there were 722
guys who were smart enough to NOT volunteer for this silly deputy dawg job, eh?
Top tier of 23 Capts” Define “top tier” for me, buddy. Is that a good thing? How
big IS your tier????
“Identified as #1 Captain in wing command section.” OK, Colonel – how many
Captains DO you let into your command section???? Not many or ya would have told
us . . .
“My #2-3 of 23 Captains.” Ummmm . . .I can’t make up my mind this morning, so
I’m going with a range o’ numbers here. Either that or I stutter alot.
“My #1 of six CGOs for force employment.” I have no idea what this means. Either
this guy is a personnelist and he’s getting folks jobs or he’s some kind of
bombardier or something. Either way this one is a wasted strat. Just draws
attention to the fact that he didn’t draw a REAL strat.
“One of my very best of seven CC’s” If that ain’t damning with faint praise, I
don’t know what is. If you can’t draw a good number, don’t say anything!
#1 of 15 CGOs headed to Iraq. Is that he’s your #1 of 15 AND headed to Iraq, or
he just happens to be the best guy you kicked out the door this AEF rotation?
“#1 company grade officer I’ve worked with in this wing.” Then why isn’t he your
number one Capt? Did you not happen to work with the Captain who WAS your number
one? If you didn’t work with him why did you make him number one and NOT this
guy. Huh? Huh? Huh?
“Top 2% of 20 Majors in my branch. That would either make him your top guy or
one fifth of a person. Which is it? When offered a choice between a percentage
and a hard number, GO WITH THE NUMBER!
#1 FGO for command. But you’re a number 20 FGO if ya look at the whole person
concept.
My first choice as exec. OK – you’re the Boss. Of COURSE you get your first
pick. Duh!
“One of my top choices for SDE.” The guy had nine guys up for SDE. Which one of
them nine do you reckon he was aiming for??? Again, if you can’t give a hard
strat, don’t attract attention to a lesser record with a soft strat. It just
gets the board guessing about what you’re REALLY saying and they ALWAYS err on
the downside.
“My #1/5 CGOs in her year group.” Now THAT’S what I call stratifying down until
you can say something nice about EVERYONE!
Bad Acronyms/abbreviations:
“Shoe horned combat needs into HYCAS ACTD . .
.jumpstarted HYCAS” Anyone know what a HYCAS is? Is that good? Anyone? Bueller?
Bueller? If HYCAS is so darned good why DOES it need to be jumpstarted every
time? Probably a Ford product.
“Integrated into CENTAF’s high op’ly demanding environment” Op’ly? Isn’t that a
town in Alabama? Or is it monopoly? Opie maybe? Wasn’t he on Mayberry RFD?
“COS and SPA selected Maj XXX as SMIO in by name request to revamp MIO
functions.” OK . . .I’m going with Chief of Staff and Spain selected him as
ummmmm . . . Spanish Military Intelligence Officer to revamp My Intestine’s
Operations. Makes more sense that the original bullet, right??
“Energized a flt & led NTI msn-enabling combat ops.” I wrote the CONOP on
National Tactical Integration but even I forget what it stands for. How ‘bout
“National agency support to AF operations?”
“#1 JIAC expert.” This was the leading line. I’m going with Joint Interagency
Apple Cart. What did YOU come up with? Try it, its fun! (just not too fun for
the kids who are hoping to get promoted with obscure acronyms in their first
line. And, no, Colonels at a board don’t have time to search through the whole
OPR to find where you defined “JIAC.”)
The wing expert for all BI link and management issues. Top line item here. A “BI
link” sounds like one of those free porn sites. We don’t want our officers
managing those. Again, I GUARANTEE board members have more imagination than you
do in making up meanings for your silly acronyms.
“OAF/OIF/OEF hero!” OK – I’m an airman. I just execute policy; I don’t make it.
I certainly don’t make up cover terms for major wars. I DID NOT tell OSD to pick
three O’s-with-a-vowel-in-between-followed-by-F names for our recent wars. I do,
however, reserve the right to get confused between them. Stick with “Kosovo,
Iraq and Afghanistan wars.” It’s easier. OSW/ONW make more sense as Iraqi No Fly
Zone.
GEEZ, never EVER use an acronym or abbreviation when a real word will do. Cut
fluff, adverbs, adjectives, conjunctions BEFORE you start making people break
their concentration to read one of your obscure abbreviations. If folks are like
me, they revel in making up their OWN meanings for acronyms. You don’t want
board members doing that.
Bad animal comparisons:
“Laps his competition.” OK . . .that would be
cool if this guy was a cat, but you don’t want future AF leaders lapping on
anyone and certainly not their competition.
“Pick of the litter” Again, this guy ISN’T a cat . . .
“Best of breed” OK NOT . . . A . . .CAT, DURN IT!!!!!!!!!!
“Spine of a tiger” GEEZ not a big cat EITHER!
“One of my top lions.” Not one of them either. Actually, IS there a hierarchy to
cats? If someone had, say, a saber-toothed tiger would that be better than a
plain ol’ tiger or lion??
“A visionary leader and pit bull.” Great. Now he’s a dog. Why not a Golden
Retriever? I like them much better.
Animal comparisons usually aren’t a good idea. Your idea of the King of the
Jungle may, or may not, be my idea of a top tier beast.
Bad mineral comparisons:
“Diamond in the rough.” Isn’t that coal? Come
back when you’re polished or a few million years of incredible pressure under
tons of rock in South Africa have elapsed.
“My jewel here and abroad.” And “gem in the rough” in the same record. What kind
of gems/jewels are we talking here? Diamonds? Amethyst? Cubic Zirconia?? Man, if
being a “diamond in the rough” is bad, isn’t potientially being a “cubic
zirconia in the rough” the kiss o’ death???
Bad internal organ comparisons:
“Send his brain to SDE.” And what to do with the bowels? NGA staff??? If you
“reserve a front row seat at SDE” for your top picks when sending the whole
officer, do you “reserve a front row vat” for just his brain???
“My 20 pound brain guy.” Is that good? How much DID that kid in “Jerry McGuire”
say the human head weighed? If you HAVE to weigh brains in an OPR, go for the
gold. Give ‘em a two ton brain or something like that.
“Perfect blend of brains, energy and skill. Ewwwwww . . .brains in a blender!
You really gotta watch those word pictures.
Bad “just doin’ yer job, duh!” bullets:
“Did exactly the right thing when Saddam Hussein was captured: notified the
commander.” This guy is an intelligence officer. We get paid to make these
delicate “when do I call the Boss” calls.
“I had the pleasure to watch XXXX’s performance in combat and she worked long
and tireless hours.” From a USAFE fighter squadron commander . . .sigh.
“My 1# man on security.” Awright – this guy was his SSO. Of course he was his
top security guy. Hint: if you have more than one guy on security, you’re too
secure.
“Visionary officer answering tomorrow’s questions” Soooooo…..what about today’s
questions?????
“Top performer on a high performance staff…leadership and tenacity”
Bad fire analogies:
“Absolutely on fire . . .no holding him back.”
My gawd, man. Don’t even TRY to hold onto him if he’s on fire!!! Stop, drop and
roll. Say it after me: STOP, DROP and ROLL!
“On fire educator.” I’ve heard of burning books, but never teachers. Besides,
was this guy a science teacher? Was this self-inflicted in a tragic lab
experiment gone bad???? IS he a safety risk??????
Bad targeting analogies:
“Fragged hostile targets” Thank goodness! The
last targeteer only fragged friendly targets. That was a real mess . . .
“Eats. sleeps, drinks targets.” The guy is a targeteer, so he’s SUPPOSED to
concentrate on targeting. Does this comment mean he’s obsessive? Goodness – what
has this all-target diet done to his digestive tract???
“Human PGM.” SPLAT! Is this a “one use” only officer? What kind of fuze setting
do you put on her? Can she be jammed????
Just Flat-out BAD OPR phrases:
“Future intel leader.” OK this one is not only a qualified group, but pretty
darned faint praise to boot. Why isn’t she a leader NOW? Some folks take this
one as code for “ain’t pullin’ her weight now, but might do someday.”
Ironically, I DON’T think the rater intended this.
“Continue to groom for leadership.” Normally this means “this bun needs to stay
in the oven longer” but in this case the rater was trying to PUSH him for
command. This rater needs to try harder . . .
“Full spectrum leader!” Is this the electromagnetic spectrum or the colour
spectrum? Is this guy the colour violet or an FM transmitter???
“Our command’s flag bearer. Initiative and Zeal!” Am confused. This guy is your
Guide-on but he carries two flags? What has THAT got to do with this guy getting
promoted????
“Would gladly go to war and back with this officer.” Thank goodness you’re
bringing him BACK with ya! I hate it when Colonels leave Captains on the
battlefield.
“A rarely talented intelligence officer.” Does this guy have rare talents or is
it that intel officers are rarely talented???
“Take advantage of this officer’s unexpressed talents.” Brother, if you can’t
get the man to express them talents to you, don’t you be thinking I can!
“If XXX had been at Little Bighorn, Custer would have won.” OK, but what if this
guy was fighting for the Sioux??
“The EF Hutton of intel.” Didn’t he go to jail for junk bond trading? Or was
that Michael Milliken? I forget. Don’t count on a board being big TV commercial
fans.
“Transformational leader for transformational times.” So he’s a transformer. Is
he one of the REALLY cool ones that transforms into a fire truck or one of the
duds that turns into a frog?
“Veteran groomed to perfection.” He looks HOT! But can he lead???
“Leader standing tall.” This ain’t Disneyland. There IS no minimum height
requirement for the commander ride. Besides, Napoleon was only 4” 11” . . . (BTW
the ‘standing tall” and “grooming” bullet were in the same OPR. All I got out of
this OPR is the guy is good-lookin’ and real tall.)
“I want my DO out front . . .and XXX is.” Translation: I am a chicken. I want
Joe-Bob to go first, if he gets shot I ain’t following.
“I am 100% satisfied.” My gawd. What DID this guy do to get this remark?????
(This really, really was in an OPR. I swear.)
“Seized a languishing initiative to buy a boat for the DAO.” Maybe it was
languishing for a good reason. Maybe the DAO shouldn’t get a BOAT!!!!!!!
“Juggernaut! Always pushing the bar higher!” Actually, a juggernaut would smush
a bar vice raise it higher. . .
“Certain AF leadership in an uncertain world.” Are you certain? I sure hope
that’s certain and “good” or even “real good” leadership vice just “certain.”
“Bob’s a keeper.” What kind? Zoo? His brother’s? Not a ringing endorsement for a
FIRST line on his OPR no matter what kind of keeper he is.
. . . .and the WORST line is:
“Lapped her peers . . . All the adjectives
apply!” I . . . .uhhh . . . I don’t know what to say about this one. Does she
have a sister???
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