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The following example was the work in progress for the Airman 2nd quarter award. I thought it would be good to see the work put into creating a package. I thought this would give some supervisors or airman some insight into the work that takes place I was short in the answers since this was one of my regular submitters. Permission has been received by the writer to post this email thread. If you have anything you would like to submit, please do so. Also, if you have found this information useful, please let me know. Everyone of these items has taken considerable amount of time to put together. Please use the ads on this site to help support the site. All money gathered pays for hosting fees and domain fees. (HONESTLY, when I see money come in it also prompts me to work harder on the site.) <Check out the Original and the Submitted Award.>
here is what I have:
First note, the writer needs to stop using "ing", almost everything in a
quarterly award package is past tense... -- I can
tell this isn't your writing style. :)
Stop using "is"
Need to spell out numbers under 10
Do not be so "/" happy... it makes it hard to read.
-
Outstanding team player! Apprentice technician at ###th Job Control helpdesk;
motivated self starter!
drop technician or apprentice. it is too wordy... plus you are using to
leading statements...
-- Skillfully reinstalled mission critical software on 2 laptops; ensuring
equipment is deployable & operational
change "ing" to "ed" then remove "is" -- quantify the comment.
-- Identified/fixed ## ARS's network printer; allowing individuals to print
orders, manuals, & key document
change "ing" to "ed" -- what is the impact?
-- Increasing productivity! Reset over 38 network passwords; providing mbrs
access to Email, LAN, & Internet
email is not capitalized... "ing" again...
-- Maximized utilization of
computer resources; quickly released 18 computers from quarantine in minimal
time
what is minimal time? whats the impact?
-- 100% compliance! Flawlessly researched/updated 250+ Exchange email
profiles; meeting AF regulations
meeting = met
-- Developed/disseminated excellent documentation on account creation process;
highlighting standards
don't understand the value of this bullet...
-- OPSEC! Audited/deleted 75 obsolete email profiles/network ids; ensured
secure environment is maintained
using "is" again... Why is "OPSEC!" the lead?
-- Enforced AF guidelines; expertly identified/removed unauthorized software from 90+ computer systems
replace / with and
-- Skillfully edited logon script; mapped 3 network drives; giving ### ABG
access to vital information and data
skillfully? hmmm.. Expertly maybe... 3 needs to be spelled out...
giving? how about provided... if it is vital info, the bullet needs a
complete rewrite. If the meaning is to expand information give a % followed
by size increased. Was it capability? state that
-- Changed security permissions on 2 file servers; ensuring only authorized individuals have access to data
ing and is -- 2 spelled out. where the permissions changed on the servers or
on the user profiles?
-- Opened/logged 125+ jobs/incidents in Problem Database (Remedy);
tracked/expedited problem resolution
quantify expedited...
-- Significantly improved attendance; developed detailed metrics;
displayed/advertised participation rate
if the member gives 110% why did he have to improve attendance... (The person
is assumed. Need to say unit)
--
Responsible! Always attends all wing/unit scheduled meeting/appointments. No
reminder/follow-up needed
is there a problem with people attending appointments? if so, there is your
impact
-- Can do attitude! Takes initiative to clean up/organize work center every UTA. Leaving it in inspection order
no sentences... these are bullets
-
Devoted to learning! Seizes all educational opportunities to further advance
his professional career field
-- Actively enrolled in AF Amn Leadership correspondence course; diligently studying on his off-duty time -- Attending Microsoft Exchange Server classes; learning to troubleshoot and solve email/network problems
what af amn leadership correspondence course? how many hours is he
studying... no impact without quantification
how many classes? is it af funded? is he taking classes at local college?
these are important, because it sounds like he is just filling time with no
immediate impact
-
Over-achiever! In 3 months, successfully completed "3C0 - Initial
Qualification Training" certification exam
-- Mission essential! ACC required; quickly obtained essentials skills to fill critical network crew position -- No easy task! Consists of studying 9 long, in-depth CBT courses, 2 AFI manuals & hours of on-job-training
I
wouldn't use Overachiever (you need strong quantification for that)....
Quantify why 3 months is important... does it normally take 7 months, a
year?
I
don't follow the 1st sub bullet... mission essential? the entire bullet
sounds like filler...
I
think this should be one, 2 line bullet...
- True Citizen! Faithfully volunteers at <NAME> Drive Elementary, Raleigh, NC; committed to helping children -- Contributes time/talent to fund raisers; involved in all sporting activities (baseball, football, basketball)
True citizen, do you mean when you don't volunteer at an Elementary you are
not a Citizen... Pay attention to word choices, the meaning can isolate you
at a board.
be careful using all (bowling wasn't listed). either state the sports, or
talk about how his involvement has been important...
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The Packages isn't bad, but needs work. My first impression is the guy does
some work, takes lots of classes, and when he isn't in school, he is playing
"all" sports.
I
believe it is the same impression a board will have.
Dom
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